“I’m just so sick of these young girls with diets. I remember when I was 13 and it was cool to pretend to have an eating disorder because there were rumors that Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie were anorexic. I thought it was crazy. I went home and told my mom, ‘Nobody’s eating bread—I just had to finish everyone’s burgers.’ I think it’s really important for girls to have people to look up to and to feel good about themselves.”
Your dad had a late model BMW before you did and he’s got the speeding tickets to prove it. It was just a machine before he took command of the wheel and proved it was the Ultimate. James Bond didn’t have shit on him. He was a bottle-popping international man of mystery with a license to thrill. His stone pulse, steady hands, and full-throttle foot helped him high speed danced his car around streets while seducing honey-dips with his shift skills. He lived 100mph life while everyone else was stuck in neutral.
So hipsters, when you’re cruising down the block in your beat-ass beemer and trying to impress the fairer kind with the fact that you’ve traded up from your fixie, remember this…
Your dad is the only man who knows how those mystery stains in the backseat got there.
